if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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