I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
my penis made a compromise with my morals
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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