It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
