I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
