Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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