one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
