This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
