How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
