Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
