He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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