a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
