They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
