My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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