I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dick very happy bro
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
