Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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