Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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