you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
