just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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