Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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