So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Randomize
