i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
