either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
