3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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