May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
