All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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