I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
