I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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