the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
