I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
