He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
