Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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