did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I am available for nakedness
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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