I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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