I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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