Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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