ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
