Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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