oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
