hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
