If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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