Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just found puke in my bra..
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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