my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
