You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
