help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
