note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
