My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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