Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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