Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize