Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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