plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize