Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
