You smell like a Billy Joel song
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
