We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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