dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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