I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
