I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
