I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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