Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
