note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool