I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.