you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
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Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
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You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..