I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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