Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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