you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
